I am in such a rotten mood when I should be ecstatic.
I am just way to stressed out by this whole internship thing. I want to do it, and in some ways, I think I need to do it, because normally I'd just got the safe route on everything. Normally I'd let family members bring me down and keep me safe with them, and give up an opportunity like this. Then at the same time, I feel like part of me is doing it because I don't want to hear the "I told you so"s, and the "good, Cass, you made the right choice (ie our choice)". Even more so, I don't want to disappoint my boss, who is probably the only reason I got the internship in the first place. And thinking of that only depresses me more, plus I have a feeling I'm going to disappoint her anyway because I'm so fucking unfamiliar with chemistry, why did they even throw me in there?
My fucking geology lab homework is easy, but I can't figure it out and its frustrating the life out of me. I'm nearly in tears because I know this shit should be easy to understand, but I can't fucking wrap my head around it. Then my confidence takes a blow, and I get back to thinking if I can't figure out strike and dip on a rock diagram, how am I going to do spectral analysis on interstellar dust? It's to the point where I'm willing to take the hit in my grade just to not deal with it. I could really use the points, as it would help bring up my overall Geology grade, but ugh. At this point, I wonder if its worth the frustration and further blow to my self-esteem. Nick's going to try to figure it out in a minute, and I'll probably get snippy at him because I get defensive and lose my confidence when my boyfriend, who isn't even in the class, nor has he taken any geology in his life, can figure it out without any trouble.
We're probably driving out to New York and not going by plane, because its a lot less dicking around for Nick to fly back with his brother (or by himself), get the car, drive all the way back, and then down to Maryland. This way, we just head out when we feel like it with our stuff
I called the center rep today because she wasn't returning my email (the email thing was exceptionally frustrating -- you guys give me 6 days to give you a yes or no answer, but don't answer my very important questions that are the very basis for my yes or no decision? Sorry I'm not loaded like the rest of these kids who can move across the country at the drop of a hat. /bitter). Her answers over the phone clarified some stuff, we'll be having a teleconference with the whole 3 other people who will be interning at Goddard. Of course, this conference is
after the accept/decline date. The housing information she gave me was minimal, at best. Options include moving in with the rest of the Goddard crew, getting an expensive condo, moving in with some random guy who is looking for housing, or look at 2 sites I've already been searching on since I got the notice I was accepted.
Probably getting rid of this apartment if I can help it. I, admittedly, don't know what my lease is on now. Our lease ended, and I requested another year added on, but we never signed anything (probably because I turned it in late). So I'm hoping we're on month-to-month, otherwise, I'm hoping there's a waitlist going for an apartment at this complex. There usually is. And across the street is a storage place, so we can put our furniture and other crap there while we're gone. Hopefully we can move back somewhere close (if not the same complex), otherwise the convenience of having a storage place across the street will pretty much be lost.
It is really stressful not knowing what the fuck is going on a month from now. Like, no idea whatsoever. My boss keeps telling me not to sweat the logistics, but its not just logistics. I have an apartment here, I have a family I'm really close to here, and most importantly, I'm a broke college student living off the income you give me -- a decent wage, but very few hours (not that I'm ungrateful). If I had the money lying around, I'd be all for this. But I have to be absolutely certain that everything is in place before I ship myself out 1000 miles and run out of money. While I doubt its true, given the expectations, presumptions, and assumptions I get from other people (professors, employers, students), I sometimes feel like I'm in the minority as far as kids supporting themselves entirely through college. Granted, I'm a loan junkie, but all the same, they are my loans, not federal/private loans that can be taken out by parents. I suppose I'm just bitter at some of the talk I hear about people having their tuition and housing (usually an apartment) paid for by their parents, along with receiving an allowance every week/month. Not that I wouldn't appreciate such treatment if I could receive it by either parent, but all the same, it must be nice to have one less stress on your shoulders when you're trying to focus on doing well in school. I hope that some day soon, I'm able to make sure Lexie, Zoe, and Evan don't have to go through this, should they decide to go to college.
My sleep schedule is out of whack because I've been staying up way too late and substituting actual sleep with like 4 long naps a day. I'm sleeping too much anyway. Not eating very well because I'm stressed and out of it.
On top of all that,
( tmi ).
I just want to pass out right now and have my homework finished for me. And my presentation. And my final exams.
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stressed
crappy
giddy
