Leda Rising

Phoenix Lander

Sun, 25 May 2008 17:14:29 GMT

Not sure how much interest this will be to you all, but consider it a PSA from me to you. (copy-pasta'd from a thread I made at FFS)

I should probably do these with a bit more of advanced warning!

The Phoenix Lander, launched in August 2007, will be making its descent onto the Martian surface in about 6 hours (at the time of this post). According to the Phoenix Mars Mission site (at University of Arizona's LPL site) the purpose of the Phoenix mission is to answer the following questions:
(1) can the Martian arctic support life,
(2) what is the history of water at the landing site, and
(3) how is the Martian climate affected by polar dynamics?

Now, the track record for landing stuff on Mars isn't exactly promising, but the last two landers sent to Mars were the Mars Exploration Rovers, Spirit and Opportunity, both of which have outlived their "life expectancy" by well over 1,000 days, last time I checked.

Phoenix will be doing some very interesting work and pave the way for future missions, including the Mars Science Lab, the Astrobiology Field Lab, the Mars Sample Return mission, etc.

The landing will air on NASA TV at 6pm EDT at: http://www.nasa.gov/multimedia/nasatv/index.html. If you get a moment, I recommend you watch what could be history in the making.

Anyway, given my field of study, this is obviously very exciting for me.

posting from ny

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 04:12:43 GMT

posting this from my phone so this will be brief. so we left yesterday evening. fog was effing horrible. chicago was horrible. got lost in the bad part of town in south bend, indiana. finally got to a nice hotel. too much money for an 8 hour stay. more fog today, but otherwise much better. drove the whole way. exhausted, uncomfortable, and cranky but in one piece and can finally relax now. until i actually move. sigh. will sleep good tonight

2007.

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 20:26:26 GMT

I think most years, especially since I've started college, are years of growth for me, but for some reason, this year felt different. When people I haven't spoken to ask me, “What's new?”, I usually can't think of anything significant. But thinking back the last few days as 2008 approaches, I've realized that a lot has happened within the last year or so.

I moved in with a guy who was to be my roommate. We got along really well, so I figured it would work out well. We got along too well apparently, and things worked out differently than I imagined. I love him. And Nick has helped me grow a lot, as I think I've done the same for him. He's the geeky friend I've always wanted, but at the same time, always sort of avoided. He's the person who tells me not to be afraid to be myself and to not be a doormat. I've realized that a perfect relationship is not free of bad times or fighting. Our relationship has experienced its ups and downs, but the fact that we can sit, discuss, and work out any problem or argument we've had makes me confident in our future.

My youngest sister turned a year old, and I got a new baby brother. My (older) younger sister and I have grown close, despite the age gap.

I've been to one bar since I turned 21. And I haven't been drunk since. I don't mind a drink now and then, but I think my “partying stage” was nearly very short lived, if not non-existant.

I've lived on my own for most of my adult life. I now have 2 years of “on-my-own” living under my belt. I can almost cook a decent meal. I do laundry regularly. I still hate vacuuming. And I still feel so completely overwhelmed by the responsibilities I am faced with sometimes. But I realize that I'm not alone in this.

I've gone to a school for three consecutive semesters. The “120 credits minimum” requirement is keeping me in school a year longer than I theoretically need to be. I hated it at first, but now I realize it gives me a chance to do so much more while I am an undergraduate.

I love UW-Green Bay, but if there's one piece of advice I could give to kids in high school, its this: College is great for some people, but don't think that if you get straight A's, you must attend. On the same note, don't think that if you flunked out, you can't attend. I think this country is going to face a problem when we continually tell our children that college is the only option if you want to be successful. I am grateful for the fact that I can go to college and have it funded for me almost entirely. I love my college education. But at the same time, there is such a stigma attached to not going to college. Part of me thinks that if it wasn't ingrained in my brain that “YOU NEED COLLEGE TO SUCCEED”, I would've been perfectly happy doing something else. And worst yet is the stigma attached to community colleges. I would've done a 2-year transferable, cheaper, general education covering degree at a community college if I knew then what I know now.

I nearly dropped out of school again at the beginning of 2007. I was losing my motivation – I didn't know what I wanted to do. My college GPA had gone from a 3.7 my first two semesters, to a 2.4 and 2.8 for the 2006-2007 school year. I was humbled. I realized I can't BS my way through everything anymore. And I worked harder this year. My confidence was at rock bottom, and I experienced test anxiety for the first time in my life. But my work paid off, and my confidence began to reach a more moderated level. I'm happy with my 3.4 this semester.

I realized that maybe the world isn't as cut and dry as I once thought. I realized that things are not static. My political beliefs are more moderated now. And my atheist beliefs (which goes against what almost all of my friends and family believe) are now more “agnostic atheism”. Even though its on my profile, sometimes its hard to say (in fact, I rarely bring it up unless I'm asked specifically). This area is heavily Christian, and sometimes I get a sense of not-belonging in this regard.

I've learned that no matter how convenient, inexpensive, and effective a form of birth control the Depo-Provera shot is, the hormonal side-effects are not worth it. And besides the first week or so of unbearable cramps, I love my Mirena IUD.

I've learned that I need to take care of myself while I'm still young. That what I eat or drink or inhale or do or don't do to my body has a direct effect on how I'm feeling and how my body reacts. Obvious, yes, but something I think is easily taken for granted. On that note, I have been smoke free for over a year now.

I've discovered a few flaws of mine that have developed over the last few years, or maybe I've just noticed them now. I am completely inarticulate. I can write things down well, but when it comes to expressing myself properly through speech, I'm awful. I imagine its always been this way, but now when I have to do discussions in front of a class or try to have a debate with someone, its one of the most frustrating feeling I've experienced. And my other realized flaw is how closely being judgmental and being defensive tie in together. This is something I would really like to change.

I found a mentor, a fantastic job, and my “calling” all within a few weeks. I get to look at pictures taken by a fucking robot on another planet. To me, it doesn't get much cooler than that, even if its not in my field.

I say “calling” in quotes because I have realized another thing this year: I don't have one, single dream job. There are many, many things I could do that I would be happy to do for the rest of my life. There are countless things that interest me. Not every one of those things has to be what I do for a living. And what I do for a living doesn't have to be perfect to make me happy.

And one of the best things that has happened this year also happened most recently. I've been offered a NASA internship. I will begin my move as soon as I get packed and get the apartment cleaned. This internship has forced me to grow quickly – I am so adverse to change. My brain has been screaming at me all this time to hide away and not do this internship, because I'm afraid. But I know I have to do it. And over the past couple weeks, I've been feeling better about things. I'm excited about it again, and while my confidence is still iffy (Why did this stick me in the Astrochemistry Lab with one semester of regular chemistry under my belt?), I know that no matter what my scholastic limitations are, that I am a hard worker, a quick learner, and determined.

So 2008 begins with a fantastic opportunity. And 2008 will end with applications to PhD programs. The part of me that was so eager to graduate and move on had come to a screeching halt when I realized how close I was to graduating and moving on. But after all that has happened, I finally feel like I'm moving at the right pace, like I'm ready to continue on, not too fast, not too slow. And most importantly, that I'm happy with where I'm at.

It's Official

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 20:05:42 GMT

I am a NASA intern.

Talking to my boss today really helped.

Knowing what's going on with my apartment helped give me some solid ground to work from.

Given the drastic difference in what it'll cost me (we're talking half the stipend vs. all of it), I'm probably going to room with the other interns, as they've all expressed an interest in rooming together. Might mean sharing a room, but I guess if it'll save me money, I'll suck it up. Traveling stuff is made easier by this method as well.

Trains running to NYC from DC are cheap as shit and fast. Too bad its just as long (distance and time) for Nick to come from his mom's place to NYC as it is to DC. Plus, I wouldn't want him, or anyone, to drive into NYC to pick me up. Uck.

I will be the first person at my university to become a NASA intern (that my boss knows of, anyway). That is pretty neat. Even besides that, this whole thing is pretty neat.

Things are finally starting to work their way into place, and although I still have a lot to figure out and I'm still not confident whatsoever, at least I have a better idea of what is going to happen.

I've got one hour-long class tomorrow, and have to participate in the first half of a presentation (second-half continues Monday). Then I am going to the bar with Kim and Josh, as we've all qualified for some trip to a music show in Texas through a radio station (I think Kim actually called in and qualified all of us). I will probably get wasted in celebration/stress-relief if at all possible.

more internship stuff. expect this trend to continue into the new year

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 05:27:24 GMT

Okay, so technically we're on a month-to-month lease (which explains why I didn't receive a new back door that was supposed to come along with a renewal lease). This would be good, except you need 60 days written notice. Its already December, so we'd be paying January and February rent. Might as well pay March and April so we have a place to come back to and don't have to fuck with moving everything.

Howeverrrrr, this really bites into my stipend. And living in/near DC is expensive. I'm so used to my big, safe, 2 bedroom, 1000 sq. ft., updated apartment for under $600 a month. Now I'm looking at possibly bug-infested places, in potentially not safe areas, 1 bedroom, 600 sq. ft., not updated apartments for over $1000. I don't know how some of you big city and east/west coaster people do it.

One of the other interns contacted the rest of us to see if we wanted to room together. Obviously this would save me some cash, even if it was just two of us. I'd rather not live with a stranger, especially when I'm feeling pretty inadequate about getting this position in the first place and these guys are probably not going to make that feeling go away. In this case, Nick most likely wouldn't be with me. He'd probably stay at his Mom's place for those few months so we weren't far away and could visit on weekends. We've been joined at the hip for the last year, I really don't know how I'd react to just seeing him every weekend/every other weekend. Obviously, I've done distance before, but its not something I wish to relive. And as much as "every weekend" would be nice, I know its not exactly practical. I have a feeling it'd end up being closer to once a month. I probably shouldn't complain, though :\

This option would allow us to fly out to NY (although neither of us would make the return trip), and I could take my provided round trip flight from NY to MD. Probably sell both our cars while we were gone, and get a beater when I get home. Nick could take someone else's car to come visit me, or I could try and figure out what kind of transportation is available between NY and MD. The amtrak runs between, but its expensive as hell.

There is still the option of getting a place -- there are a couple that just meet our price range, but would be cutting it close if we didn't watch ourselves. We have money available in case of emergency, but not something we really want to dig into if we can't help it.

I guess the relief is in knowing that we will have a place when we get back. And all of our stuff here. The downside is that we're paying over $2000 for something we won't be using. Subletting is always an option, but to be honest, I don't really trust strangers in here with all of our stuff, and I don't know anyone else who would be interested.

I already feel overwhelmed sometimes with the little responsibility I have now. Throwing all of this on top of it makes me want to curl up in a ball and avoid avoid avoid. Its really strange to feel such a sense of "Don't do this! It's hard! Too much to think about, too much to worry about, just forget it" coming from within yourself. I suppose its nothing new, though, and definitely something I need to get over if I want to do anything in my life.

It feels like my brain is screaming for me to zone out and forget about everything as if it'll magically go away or sort itself out on its own. I want to be more excited about this. I know I would be if I didn't have to worry about money/housing/etc.

Blehhh

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 05:01:28 GMT

I am in such a rotten mood when I should be ecstatic.

I am just way to stressed out by this whole internship thing. I want to do it, and in some ways, I think I need to do it, because normally I'd just got the safe route on everything. Normally I'd let family members bring me down and keep me safe with them, and give up an opportunity like this. Then at the same time, I feel like part of me is doing it because I don't want to hear the "I told you so"s, and the "good, Cass, you made the right choice (ie our choice)". Even more so, I don't want to disappoint my boss, who is probably the only reason I got the internship in the first place. And thinking of that only depresses me more, plus I have a feeling I'm going to disappoint her anyway because I'm so fucking unfamiliar with chemistry, why did they even throw me in there?

My fucking geology lab homework is easy, but I can't figure it out and its frustrating the life out of me. I'm nearly in tears because I know this shit should be easy to understand, but I can't fucking wrap my head around it. Then my confidence takes a blow, and I get back to thinking if I can't figure out strike and dip on a rock diagram, how am I going to do spectral analysis on interstellar dust? It's to the point where I'm willing to take the hit in my grade just to not deal with it. I could really use the points, as it would help bring up my overall Geology grade, but ugh. At this point, I wonder if its worth the frustration and further blow to my self-esteem. Nick's going to try to figure it out in a minute, and I'll probably get snippy at him because I get defensive and lose my confidence when my boyfriend, who isn't even in the class, nor has he taken any geology in his life, can figure it out without any trouble.

We're probably driving out to New York and not going by plane, because its a lot less dicking around for Nick to fly back with his brother (or by himself), get the car, drive all the way back, and then down to Maryland. This way, we just head out when we feel like it with our stuff

I called the center rep today because she wasn't returning my email (the email thing was exceptionally frustrating -- you guys give me 6 days to give you a yes or no answer, but don't answer my very important questions that are the very basis for my yes or no decision? Sorry I'm not loaded like the rest of these kids who can move across the country at the drop of a hat. /bitter). Her answers over the phone clarified some stuff, we'll be having a teleconference with the whole 3 other people who will be interning at Goddard. Of course, this conference is after the accept/decline date. The housing information she gave me was minimal, at best. Options include moving in with the rest of the Goddard crew, getting an expensive condo, moving in with some random guy who is looking for housing, or look at 2 sites I've already been searching on since I got the notice I was accepted.

Probably getting rid of this apartment if I can help it. I, admittedly, don't know what my lease is on now. Our lease ended, and I requested another year added on, but we never signed anything (probably because I turned it in late). So I'm hoping we're on month-to-month, otherwise, I'm hoping there's a waitlist going for an apartment at this complex. There usually is. And across the street is a storage place, so we can put our furniture and other crap there while we're gone. Hopefully we can move back somewhere close (if not the same complex), otherwise the convenience of having a storage place across the street will pretty much be lost.

It is really stressful not knowing what the fuck is going on a month from now. Like, no idea whatsoever. My boss keeps telling me not to sweat the logistics, but its not just logistics. I have an apartment here, I have a family I'm really close to here, and most importantly, I'm a broke college student living off the income you give me -- a decent wage, but very few hours (not that I'm ungrateful). If I had the money lying around, I'd be all for this. But I have to be absolutely certain that everything is in place before I ship myself out 1000 miles and run out of money. While I doubt its true, given the expectations, presumptions, and assumptions I get from other people (professors, employers, students), I sometimes feel like I'm in the minority as far as kids supporting themselves entirely through college. Granted, I'm a loan junkie, but all the same, they are my loans, not federal/private loans that can be taken out by parents. I suppose I'm just bitter at some of the talk I hear about people having their tuition and housing (usually an apartment) paid for by their parents, along with receiving an allowance every week/month. Not that I wouldn't appreciate such treatment if I could receive it by either parent, but all the same, it must be nice to have one less stress on your shoulders when you're trying to focus on doing well in school. I hope that some day soon, I'm able to make sure Lexie, Zoe, and Evan don't have to go through this, should they decide to go to college.

My sleep schedule is out of whack because I've been staying up way too late and substituting actual sleep with like 4 long naps a day. I'm sleeping too much anyway. Not eating very well because I'm stressed and out of it.

On top of all that, my cramps are merciless and I've been bleeding way heavier than usual for way too long. I know its adjustment to the hormones, but arghh. Not what I need right now.

I just want to pass out right now and have my homework finished for me. And my presentation. And my final exams.

Jewelry

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 07:16:01 GMT

Okay, so its not very impressive, but I did manage to finish my first piece of jewelry. Its a bracelet for Lexie.

Ignore my not so model-esque arms/hands and the sub-par quality of the pictures. They were taken with my phone camera.

Its not something that took tons of skill, but hey, I did it. And hell, I'd wear it ;x

Internship stuff

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 00:58:11 GMT

I got offered the internship. It starts Jan. 14th, Nick and I are scheduled to fly into Rochester on Jan. 1st, and back out to Green Bay, Jan. 15th. Problem, but not something that isn't solved pretty easily.

The internship is a 40-hour a week, 15-week internship doing research at the NASA center just outside of Washington D.C. It was the 3rd on the list of possible places I wanted to be placed. After I had applied, I decided that if I got into the other 2 centers, both in California, I wouldn't do it at all, even if I was accepted, because it would cost too much money, even with the stipend, and I'd be PAYING to work there. I am in enough debt the way it is.

This center, however, has a much lower cost of living than the Cali centers. Granted, its still higher than Green Bay's, but it makes it much more affordable with my stipend.

And yes, this is really short notice for the internship. But this is the earliest they got word out to everyone. And with that, I have a few questions I need to answer for myself within in the next few days, so I can send them my accept/decline form.

-Do I keep my apartment here in Green Bay so we can come back to it after I get done with the internship? Or do I get rid of it? This depends on how much places cost in the DC-area, and if my notice is too short to get out of here. If I have to pay January rent regardless, I might as well fork up the money and pay for another 2 months just to keep the apartment available.
-How do I get Nick to DC with me? An earlier question I had is whether or not he'd come with me, but we've talked, and bar any extreme circumstances, he's coming. I need him with me. I'm terrified of living in a big city, especially if it'd be on my own
-How do I get my stuff there? How much do I bring with me? If we get rid of the apartment here, where the hell do I store all my stuff?
-If we get rid of the apartment here, how do we find a new place to move back to when the time comes? Do we come back here or find a new complex?
-How many credits do I get for doing this, and what major/minor requirements do they fulfill?
-jadofihawiodf about a billion other things that I'm trying not to worry about right now, until I get an e-mail returned to me from the center representative that had a bunch of questions.

When I first got the e-mail, I was stunned. It wasn't sinking in. I wasn't expecting to get in, and I wasn't expecting the option of having to choose between yes or no. I figured in the unlikely event that I did get chosen, it'd be for a California center, in which case I'd already made my choice. But this was different. When it finally sunk in, I started to cry. I realized how terrified I am of pushing myself, testing my capabilities, just because I have no faith in myself and I've never had the opportunity before. And now I've all but decided to go and do it. I need to test myself and push myself and not be afraid of new things or inconvenience. And hell, I should be proud. I have been offered a freaking NASA internship. I'm still not sure why, especially since they're sticking me in a more Chemistry-oriented area, and I've taken one semester of Chem. which resulted in a C grade D: I'm sure my letter of recommendation really helped, and that kind of got me down for awhile. I didn't want to have this position because my boss used to work with some of these people. But then I recalled that I deserved that letter of recommendation. Everything that my boss said in it was accurate. I deserve this internship.

My family, or at least my Mom and Dad, are not being entirely supportive. In the back of my mind, I suspected this, but at the same time, its a really "What the fuck, you guys. I got a NASA internship, can't you be happy for me?" feeling. My mom is concerned about money and debt, although I've already told her a hundred times that I will be getting PAID to do this. And even if I am paying rent in two place, I'm still better off than where I would be if I didn't have the internship. My mom and grandma have made comments about how they don't think I should do grad school either. That side of the family would rather see me slave away, working my ass off, as if being miserable and working 40 hours a week at a job you hate is a sign of worth or something.

My dad, ugh. I knew I shouldn't have said anything to him. He says he's worried for me; I guess he is under the impression that I was randomly selected for this and that I'm jumping into it blind, that I'm dropping school entirely off the radar for this. I know its just a matter of him not understanding how the process works, but as if I could get a word in anyway :\ And he needs me here. He has this residual guilt from when he wasn't around when I was a kid. He's catching up on all his fatherly-worrying now that I really don't need it as much. Its not that I don't appreciate it, it just gets in the way and its kind of offending in a sense. Trying to patch things up and get closer to me now that he's sober is one thing. Trying to be fatherly and pretend that he knows what's good for me after so many years, yeah, don't give me that. And with that side of the family, they are worried about my safety and well-being. Its all good intentions, but if they had it their way, I'd be graduating from UWGB with a degree in nursing, working in Green Bay, settling down with a good boy with a good job, squirting out some kids, and calling it a day.

My family not being supportive of graduate school or this internship is in some ways not surprising. In the back of my mind, I knew I might get this kind of reaction. But at the same time, its like, my goals and aspirations are to do the NASA internship and get my PhD. And they are practical and obtainable goals. What the fuck is wrong with wanting those things?

They don't really have a lot of faith in me, and it becomes more and more evident as the years go by. I guess I've never done anything to give them a reason to have much faith in me (in fact, I've probably done the opposite in the past), but don't belittle me by acting like I don't know what I'm talking about after I've spent a serious amount of time researching this stuff, and I know what I'm doing.

Dealing with my family and the lack of support is going to be more difficult than trying to move out all my shit and figure out a place to live in DC in less than a month's time. I just wish they could be proud of me or excited for me, instead of assuming they have any idea about what they're talking about. I trust and value their experience that has come with age, but this is stuff I know about, because I've been doing it, on my own, for 3 years now. I've made it this far, have a little faith in me. I'm not making this shit up.

Dear Cassandra;

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 00:40:00 GMT

Congratulations! On behalf of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, we are pleased to offer you a spring 2008 research position at Goddard Space Flight Center as part of the NASA Undergraduate Student Research Program.

Now what?

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 05:57:22 GMT

I've been mentioning my Family paper I have to do for an Anthro class for awhile now. I wrote the bulk of it tonight, but in order to "trick" myself into feeling accomplished, I set everything to single spaced with 3/4 inch margins, that way, when I finished and put everything at the normal formatting, I'd be all 'OH I HAVE WAY MORE THAN x PAGES". Silly, but, whatever.

Anyway, I cheated and when I was about three-quarters of the way done, I switched back to inch margins and double spacing. To my surprise, I was already well over the required amount of pages.

It feels good to have a paper thats 20 pages long -- 16 of actual writing, 4 of sources, title page, and a diagram. This is easily the longest paper I've ever written, and I'm actually pretty proud of it. It feels good to be done and to be happy with it. Maybe I'll upload it or at least excerpts sometime, because its a really interesting paper about my family and the funeral home that has been in our family for 4 generations. I think sometimes I take for granted how interesting a topic like that can be, since I was brought up around it, and it was really just another every day job to me.

I got my new monitor today as well. Its effing huge and I loves it.

My head hurts so bad, and I want to sleep because I've got an early day, but I'm still wide awake. IM SO GLAD THIS PAPER IS DONE NOW IM FREE UNTIL FINALS.

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 01:03:02 GMT

-Family paper.
-Catch up on work.
-Two geology labs.

Will be working on the paper most of tonight, and probably all day tomorrow. I really want it done by tomorrow with time to spare. I am also supposed to do a presentation with a group, but after going to my Aunt Pam's, I have so much neat stuff to share (old news paper clippings, pictures, and all kinds of other neat stuff from the 30's and 40's), that I might request to do an independent presentation (which is an option!). I am having a hard time writing it currently. I have an outline, I know I have plenty to write about, I just can't get in the zone. I've come to realize that sometimes its not even worth trying to force it, when you know the process will be at a slow crawl and the results will be less than desired. I'm going to dick around for another hour or two and hope that the mood strikes me. Otherwise, I'll have no choice but to force it.

This weekend is work work work. Seriously. My goal is to get caught up on all the images I have, get all the information put into Excel, then use RockIt next week while at school. I'm also going to need a copy of the key to the office "for good", since I'll be spending a lot more time there. I had a key before, but it was sort of a temporary thing. Shouldn't be an issue to get one for the long term.

I got the rest of my jewelry supplies yesterday. I haven't done much with them yet, besides admire some of the pretty stones I got. I wish I was better at drawing/design, so I could plan some of these designs in my head/on paper before I tried to get started on them. Its easy to look at "inspiration" pieces and get ideas, but I feel like I need so many odds and ends to make the various stuff I want. I guess it'll be a while before I get all the necessary materials I need. I have the necessary materials to make a couple things I wanted to try out, so maybe that'll be another goal for this weekend. On another note, my peridot stone has a bit of a blemish of some sort inside :( I know I'd be paying out the ass for a lot of these stones to be absolutely flawless, but because its so transparent, it looks kind of weird. Sometimes I think it gives it character, sometimes I think it just looks like someone got a smudge of food on it or something.

My monitor will be here tomorrow at the earliest, Friday at the latest. I still don't have RAM though, so I can't even use the PC. I'm getting antsy.

Anyone play Guild Wars before? Its something I'm considering getting. I've read a couple reviews, but I'd like the opinion of people I know, as well, if possible.

I'm still having some cramps, but honestly, I haven't been noticing them because I've been taking vicodin pretty regularly. At first, it gave me the typical "zombie" reaction, where I was just totally out of it. After a couple days, though, I started get really wired from it. I didn't mind much, since it was better than constantly being out of it all the time, but it was also making me crabby, constipated, and fucking up my coordination. Every other word I typed on the keyboard was all the right letters in all the wrong places. And it was making me itchy. Not super itchy, but just enough to make me want to rub my nose/eyes like crazy and scratch my head a lot.

On top of that, twice in the last week and a half, I've woken up bawling from dreams. I've never done this before and its really bizarre. In both dreams, I was crying pretty hard in the dream, and I woke up and began crying as if I hadn't skipped a beat. I think I freaked out Nick a bit last night since I just randomly started crying my eyes out at 4 in the morning. Didn't help that I had a weird call/voicemail last night that completely freaked me out. I don't know if its someone fucking with me, a wrong number, or both, but it was 2 loud moans (not the dirty kind!), and complete silence otherwise. In retrospect I guess its just pretty bizarre, but being half-asleep and slightly under the influence of heavy pain medication, something like that + waking up bawling at night makes you feel like you're going insane. I got about 3 hours of sleep after I woke up from the crying dream, and stayed up for awhile because I was needlessly terrified. Finally went back to bed and got the rest of my needed sleep.

I don't really want to take the vicodin anymore. At least not taking 3-4 a day. I'm going to try and cut down to 1-2, which I guess I'll have to do anyway since I'm almost out. It is frustrating though because the stuff works like a dream, and as long as I'm not taking a ton or taking any before bed, I'm fine. Not like I'll be able to finagle a re-fill for myself, so I suppose I better just get used to expecting ibuprofen to work again.

Updated to-do list

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 03:17:58 GMT

This (extended) Thanksgiving break was much needed and appreciated. Although I did not get as much done as I would've hoped, I rarely do. But I did get done more than I usually do, so I'm happy!

The house is clean -- like vacuumed, organized, dusted, no crap all over. We've got groceries, dishes are done, laundry is nearly caught up and manageable, and I'm caught up on bills. I've studied up for my Weather & Climate exam I'll probably have to makeup tomorrow. I even made a new D&D character with Nick we might play with tonight.

Things I still have to do:

-Catch up on work. Argh, seriously need to catch up on this. The next couple weeks of school until finals are a breeze, though, so I should have plenty of time.
-Family, Kin, and Community paper. I'm really not sure how this is going to go. I have some good sources, but I need to talk to my Aunt Pam to get more "family history" stuff. I have plenty of sources and a lot to write about. I have an outline organized, my sources picked out and in a reference list. All I need to do now is actually write the thing. It was something I wanted to get done this weekend so I wouldn't have to worry about it this week, but yeah.
-In addition to the paper, I have to fix my kinship diagram which will be included at the end of the paper. I have my original done, but I'm going to redo it in MS Paint and add the legend and a few other things I missed. Simple enough.
-Finish the Geology lab I missed and take the quiz that I missed as well. Not a huge deal.
-That's pretty much it for work/school. The rest is pretty much keeping the house looking nice, staying caught up with laundry/dishes/etc., and then getting around to the fun stuff. D&D, my jewelry stuff, and putting together my new computer. Not to mention I picked up a new, huge, and really nice monitor for it. Spent a bit more than I would've liked to, but like Nick said, I could either get that monitor, or save $30 and get something way shittier. I needed the monitor anyway since Lexie will get this old one when I give her my new PC for Christmas.

I'm a bit relieved that I am pretty much done with school, bar finals. Grades have been keeping up, but I know they aren't the best. I won't graduate with as high of a GPA as I would've hoped, even if I get A's from here on out. But if I continue to do well, I can potentially pull off honors. One step and one day at a time, though.

Getting back into the swing of school and fixing my sleep schedule will be hard tomorrow. I think I need to stop trying to force myself to bed when I'm not tired, and need to get out of the whole "I MUST HAVE 8 HOURS OF SLEEP EVERY NIGHT" thing. I feel so much better if I get 5-6 hours instead.

Christmas Cards

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 06:15:18 GMT

I'm going to assume my last request was missed in the mess of posts I made the other day.

If you want a Christmas/Holiday card from me, don't be shy. E-mail me the address where you'd like to receive the card: nocass[at]gmail[dot]com. Seriously, don't be shy, even if you're not someone I talk to regularly or if you aren't in the States.

Thanks guys! <3

And hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate. Or a happy Thursday if you don't. :]

stuffff

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 17:10:55 GMT

This is mostly a post to use myself as a reference of shit I should get done while on break.

Short-term goals:
-Study for Weather/Climate exam (this one, plus another for geology are the last exams I have til finals!)
-Look over Geology lab stuff for quiz
-Finish Anthro/Family paper by the end of the weekend
-Play with new jewelry supplies when time is available
-Clean up the house, catch up on laundry
-Get groceries
-Catch up on work. Srsly.

Long-term goals:
-Get in contact with Dr. Boston for research stuff
-Stay caught up on work
-Keep room and rest of the house organized
-Decorate for Christmas!
-Make/buy Christmas gifts
-Prepare for and take GRE, and prepare for other grad school stuff
-Do well on finals!
-Take it easy until next semester
-Sort out money problems before next semester :(

On a side note, I am so excited for the holidays. This is my favorite time of the year. I wish I had more money for Christmas gifts. I wish I had more money in general -- considering getting another job, even though its not 100% necessary. I know I won't be able to work much on top of school and my current job, I'm just hoping I can find something that pays decent for a handful of hours a week. And is at least vaguely related to my field. keep dreaming, eh?

I'm trying to be more organized. Keeping better track of my spending, not letting bills or important letters sit around cluttered, doing things as they need to be done, not when I feel like it. I've been using a little PC desktop calendar which is really helpful. I wonder how I kept important dates memorized before using it. Its nice just being able to see how busy I will be during the weeks to come, based on the number of icons over certain dates. I haven't been using the to-do list, since I prefer those on paper. I still wish I could be a bit more organized. Part of the problem is deciding whether I want to go for electronic organization (PC desktop calendars, event reminders on my phone, using my phone calendar), or if I want a paper one. I'd probably go to paper if my handwriting was better :\ I guess I'll keep Rainlendar for an easy visual reference for important dates. And maybe pickup some sort of paper calendar/date book to carry around with me.

I need to find out when I should be taking the GRE. I also need to study and get a better idea of what sort of material is on the exam.

I was going to write more, but got distracted through the process of writing this and now I don't feel like it. So there!

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 20:15:27 GMT

I've been talking about my math placement test and the need for me to test into Calc (effectively testing OUT of the math class one level below, which is needed as a prerequisite for a lot of biology/chem courses). After calling around a bunch, I finally got an e-mail that I had tested into Calc. I almost peed my pants. I really wasn't expecting to actually do it, and it takes a big weight off my shoulders.

Perfect timing too, since I can officially start registering for classes in about an hour. Next semester is going to be hell, no doubt. I worked out my schedule a bit better, so now its not like 9-3 every day. Tuesdays and Thursdays will be a bit bleh, but mostly because of labs. And labs rarely run the full time slot.

I have been debating taking Physics II. I took Physics I at a different university in Fall of 2005 D: So yeah, it's been awhile, but the professor teaching it is currently my astronomy professor. She said with a little extra work, I should have no problem. Plus, I really enjoy her teaching style, so hopefully it'll be less of a nightmare than my first semester of Physics. Physics isn't required for my major, but I figure a full year covering it looks better than just half of it. Plus, I want to be well rounded, and I certainly have the time/room in my schedule.

Chemistry II lectures are offered twice this semester. Both time slots work, but recalling all the bad things I heard about one of the professors, I decided against taking his slot. Problem? The other class is taught by a very nice professor, who gives tons of extra credit and I had for Chemistry I. How is this a problem? Technically, I never should have been in Chemistry I, because I hadn't taken Math 104 (the class I needed to test out of recently). He let me in because at the time, I was intending on taking the class at a different institution. Well, I never got around to it, and ended up getting a C in the class. Next semester, I tried getting into Chemistry II. After discussing a bit, especially since I still didn't have the required math course and I didn't do so hot first semester, he agreed to let me in the class as long as I promised to try my hardest. After about a month in the class, I could see myself slacking off, and I dropped it. I really should've explained to him that I dropped it because I knew I was doing bad and didn't want to have the same results as last year, and I should've apologized as well. I never got around to it, and I feel awful about it. I guess the best I can do now is blow the class out of the water next semester and show him that I've matured and know how to study for a class now.

Genetics I may not be able to get into because it requires you to have taken Chemistry II. While I'll be taking Chem II concurrently, I still need a waiver signed. That's my mission for tomorrow. I love the professor for this class, and I'm UTA'ing his Biology lab now, so hopefully that puts me in his good books.

Geologic Evolution of the Earth is effectively "Geology II". Again, this isn't a requirement for my major, but I do want to be well rounded, and geology is especially helpful for my future goals. I have the same professor who teaches it next semester, this semester for "Geology I". There is a lab that runs with this class, but it is not required. Since I'm already taking 3 lab courses (plus 2 discussion sections for Physics and Chem), I think I'll pass on the lab part!

That's 17 credits, my heaviest load so far. But it makes it so next year (my senior year), I have the ability to take it easy, and space the Biology classes I find most interesting apart a bit. I also will probably take Microbiology during the summer. Depends if I can get financial aid, I guess. The heavy schedule worries me because I'd really like to get another job and work some, so I didn't have to survive so much on student loans. While the "in school" part of my schedule isn't that bad, I know all the labs and stuff are going to require a lot of out-of-class work. I know I can handle it, and I really want to do well, I'm just concerned about money. I really don't want to have to take out any more student loans to live. And yes, I'm well aware of how icky taking out student loans for living expenses is, but I don't really have other options. I'm not willing to make my life miserable and make my grades suffer by working full-time and going to school full-time. Call me lazy, but I think it'd be a pretty wasted effort. Although, I wouldn't mind getting another job, but I'm not sure if I can handle it next semester, on top of my current job.

I am getting a mostly new computer sometime very soon. Nick's old case and PSU, new mobo, RAM, CPU, HDD (250 gigs! feel all grown up now that I'm no longer restricted to 80). Nick will be getting a new video card soon, which means I get his old 8800GTS 320mb. Which really isn't all that old, and completely blows my video card out of the water. Possibly a new, bigger, better (albeit CRT) monitor in my future as well~ I'm in the process of looking for games that my new set up can take advantage of, but I'm not into shooters or anything similar, so its not particularly easy. Graphically demanding Sims pls! ;D

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 22:11:42 GMT

Part of me feels guilty bragging about this, but I just aced my Astronomy exam. It feels so good to be doing well in school again. And perhaps even better since I'm working at it now, rather than just relying on a good memory and basic knowledge to get me through.

This semester is the kind of confidence boost I need, just like last semester (and the one before that) was just the confidence deflate I needed. I think I'm finally at a good level, where I realize that I don't know everything, but that's okay. I've figured out methods of studying that work for me, and realize that, yes, I'm going to have to study in college, especially in the sciences -- I can't get away with the BSing I did in high school, or through my general ed. classes. I just have to keep at this happy medium -- the right level of confidence and the right level of humility.

Just wish I knew how I did on my math placement test! I was under the impression it'd be online today, but unless I received the exact same score I did last time I took it, it hasn't been updated. That would suck, btw. :(

I hate that its getting dark out so early. I haven't really adjusted yet, so it feels like its about 7pm now.

After I finish up with the last batch of rover images for work, we'll be switching to actual rocks (not just pictures!) from Hawaii. Using calipers and such to measure them, make notes on visual stuff, but also taking pictures of them with a big fancy camera (that I will probably break) for later use. That'll mix things up a bit. And it also guarantees me a job at least through spring semester.

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 01:48:43 GMT

I just spent like $900 in 10 minutes D: WHAT A RUSH. (most of it is covered through other means but still!)

Half of it goes towards a trip to NY with Nick early (as in beginning of January) next year. Plane tickets are expensive.

Its also very cold out here. Not getting much above freezing the past few days, and up north they got like 1-3 inches of snow already.

PS. I am listening to strictly Christmas music from now til the end of December.

Spring forward, fall back

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 23:23:05 GMT

I hate daylight saving time so much. >:O

Grad school

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 01:49:13 GMT

I am half-way through the first semester of my Junior year. I will graduate mid-May 2009 with a degree in Cellular/Molecular Biology. Now is the time to start looking at graduate school programs, or at the very least, preparing what I'll need in order to apply.

I've been researching schools and programs. I know what I'm looking for. I've got two schools (that I've mentioned before) that I'm very interested in, and it would be ideal to get into those. There are a couple "second choice" places. So, in total, I've got about 4 schools in mind.

I've read that applying 8-10 schools is what you should shoot for, as far as doctorate programs. Looking for programs that are specifically what I'm looking for, or even a professor who researches in the area I'm interested in is difficult on its own -- finding 8-10 programs seems neigh impossible. After thinking it over, I've decided that I should keep those 4 schools in mind, and think of 3 or more programs that are a little more generalized. Generalizing, meaning, basic biology -- microbiology, geomicrobiology, evolutionary biology if I were to get much more specific. That means that my options for that are really wide open, at least for choosing. It gives me the option of picking schools based more on location, size, and other things I really didn't have much choice in for a more specific program. With that in mind, I've been looking at schools near Nick's family for a few reasons. 1) Assistantships are going cover tuition, health insurance, and give me a good stipend. If I'm getting paid to go to grad school, I'd like to take the opportunity to get out of Wisconsin. 2) Being out of Wisconsin will be hard, because I won't have the immediate support of my family. Having Nick's family near by will at least give me (and Nick) someone to have, instead of being a stranger in a completely new area. 3) Nick would like to see his family more than twice a year and without having to drive 12-14 hours. I don't blame him at all.

So yeah, my top 3 programs (in order) are University of Arkansas - Fayetteville, University of Arizona - Tucson, and Penn State. Like in exponentially declining order.

In the meantime, I have to take the GRE. I want to get more experience in as well. I have no idea what kind of preparation I need for the GRE, and I don't know when I need to take it.

I don't know if I should contact specific professors I'm interested in working with -- what if they can't/don't want to take on any more grad students? What if they just plain don't get back to me -- do I email them again or just drop it? How do I write a personal statement? Do I have my recommenders send out like 8 copies of their letters of recommendation to each of the schools ?_? Do I really need to apply to 8 programs? Should I visit these places first, and if so, before or after I'm admitted?

I need to talk to someone in Career Services (I guess they work with graduate school stuff, as well). I really have no idea what I'm doing. At least I have a few schools that I like, and honestly, I think U of Ark will be one of the easier schools to get into. But I don't want to get my hopes up too much.

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 22:11:48 GMT

I am a very passive person. I imagine it doesn't come across that way online, but even to some extent on the internet, I'm still very passive. I think it mostly developed from being shy, and sort of stuck. Now that I realize it is a problem, I'm having a hard time overcoming it. I feel like the second I speak up against something or voice my displeasure, I get the "... What's your problem today? Are you PMSing?" This is from family and friends, online and off. That kind of reaction isn't all that frequent, but this is probably because I rarely speak up for fear of the same reactions. And I generally feel guilty about putting someone off. I guess its my strong desire to remain socially tactful. I usually put myself out more than I would ask of anyone else, even if its not a big deal. I feel guilty asking Nick to get me a glass of water when he's in the kitchen, and the logical part of me realizes how stupid that sounds, but there's still that innate apprehension.

Today, I ordered my "usual" from a drive-thru coffee place. Granted, it was an employee I've never seen before, but I made my order really clear and even had to say it 2-3 times. I pay for my order, wait awhile for my drink, and it comes out incorrect (I get white mochas, she gave me a regular mocha, so it was really obviously the wrong thing). I knew I wouldn't like it, and I knew I said my order right. I know they aren't put off really by making a new drink for me, but at the same time, I didn't want to be a bitch. So I thanked them and took off. Now the drink is sitting here, and I can't stand it, so I just wasted more than I care to.

It probably sounds really silly, I don't know. I think I hold people in general up too high. Even my family, whom most of you know I'm very close to, I tend to revere. But as I age, I realize that they have their flaws, even my Grandpa who I've adored since I was a kid and who is like a second father to me. He does things that irritate me and at first, I felt really guilty about feeling that way. He's done so much for me, how dare I find flaws in him? I realize this is, like earlier stuff I've mentioned, illogical. I don't know, I think its some ingrained feeling that everyone I meet is inherently better than me, so I better go out of my way to make sure they aren't put out by my actions.

Rahhhh, I don't know. I just hate that people assume that something else is driving my negative actions rather than that I'm actually just pissed off at them. Can't I just be angry or upset about something without it being assume that 'something else happened' or I'm PMSing? I hate being a girl sometimes for these reasons. (GENERALLY SPEAKING), a guy can be pissed off and angry and its okay. A girl being pissed off or angry is PMSing or emotional. I think I should probably just stop caring and even accept that I'll need to wear a "bitch" tag now and then, just so I don't get walked all over.

And so I don't sound completely petty, there's more reason behind this post than a mixed up coffee order.

I don't really have much to comment on besides school stuff, because its all I do really. I need to make some friends around here so I can develop a bit of a social life, but part of me wonders if its worth it, since I'll be here only like a year longer.

I did go up and visit my Grandma yesterday afternoon. We just sat around and chatted all afternoon, but she sent me home with 2 sets of sheets, a duvet down comforter, toilet paper, paper towel, cookies, box cake mix, boxed pasta/rice stuff, a bathroom towel, sponges, curtains, spaghetti sauce, chicken kiev, a pillow, and a few other things. She really loads me up with stuff whenever I go there.

I am all caught up with Stargate: Atlantis as of last night, and a new Top Model episode tonight.

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 15:13:34 GMT

After about 200 miles of driving, and several hours of dicking around, I finally got to sleep in my new (in the sense that I just got it) bed last night. I love it.

I got 45/50 on my Weather & Climate exam, which I'm thrilled about. I think I did less studying and went to class far less often for this exam, but I also know it was a pretty easy one, so I can't get away with that all the time. Still waiting to see what I got on my Geology exam. Next week, my anthro "exam" is due, but its just drawing a kinship diagram, so it shouldn't be that time consuming. And its required for our final paper anyway, so way to kill two birds with one stone.

Next Saturday, I have an all-day Geology field trip, which I'm not really looking forward to. I guess if it wasn't over 100 students, it wouldn't be so bad, and maybe if it wasn't all day long. I only know two people in my class, and one I only recognize. The other I went to middle school with, and while we never talked much, we clearly both recognized/knew each other in lab, so we work together. Its always strange how that stuff works out.

Apparently, Sean scared the shit out of some shitheads who smashed all the pumpkins at my Mom's house. He's had off a couple weeks, so he tracked them down shortly after they got smashed. He jumped out of his truck once he found them, and they took off running and bolted over a fence, leaving a bike behind. Sean took it home, and they were going to chain it up to the tree in the front yard, because honestly, if the kid wanted it back, what was he going to tell his parents. "Hey, I was vandalizing some guy's yard and he took my bike, make him give it back!"

Well, the next day, the kid's older brother, along with the brats came up to the door, and the older brother made bike-kid apologize. He asked if his brother could have his bike back, and Sean explained that when he was a kid, he was a troublemaker too, but he was punished for what he did. He agreed that the kid could have his bike back, but also mentioned that he had 3 young kids at home who didn't have pumpkins anymore for Halloween. The kid said he'd bring back some after he got done with work, but who knows how that'll turn out. Either way, kudos to Sean for putting those kids in line, and even more kudos to the older brother, who actually seems like a decent kid. Vandalism for the sake of vandalism pisses me off. If you really feel like you need to fuck someone's shit up, do it to someone you don't like or who wronged you at least, jesus christ.

At the Bottom of Hell is Distortion

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 17:10:48 GMT

Schedule of classes for Spring semester finally got posted -- it was supposed to be up there on Monday, and I've been re-checking it religiously because I have OCD about these things. I don't even get a chance to register for like 3 weeks.

I was able to self-schedule myself for a math placement test, however. Apparently the things are graded almost instantly, so hopefully I'll find out if I test into the math class I need. I'm going to study my butt off to make sure I do.

My geology exam went surprisingly well, but I don't want to be too confident. The faith I put into the "feeling" I get on tests has been shattered since last semester, but honestly, I think I did pretty well.

Anyway, after doing some work on my overall schedule for the next few semesters, I've got a pretty solid setup together. Unfortunately, no matter what I do (short of actually getting into that internship), spring semester is going to be busy and hard. After that, though, I have quite a bit of slack and more freedom. I'd be taking Chem II, Physics II, Genetics, and Evolutionary Biology.

This is my schedule as it stands.
Monday:
9-10 Genetics Lecture
10-11 Chem II Lecture
12-1 Physics Discussion
1-2 Evolutionary Biology

Tuesday:
9:30-10:45 Physics II Lecture
11-12 Chem Discussion
2-5 Chem Lab

Wednesday:
9-10 Genetics Lecture
10-11 Chem II Lecture
12-1 Physics Discussion
1-2 Evolutionary Biology
2-5 Genetics Lab

Thursday:
9:30-10:45 Physics II Lecture
12:30-3:20 Physics Lab

Friday:
9-10 Genetics Lecture
10-11 Chem II Lecture
12-1 Physics Discussion
1-2 Evolutionary Biology

So, Wednesday is going to be a killer, but Wednesday's usually are, unfortunately. I know both professors for Genetics and Physics, and adore them, so that's always a plus. I'm worried about Chem, as always, and Evolutionary Bio shouldn't be too bad. I have to finagle a bit to get into Genetics (it has Chem II as a pre-req, but I think I should still be able to get in). If not, I still have other options, so everything is cool.

Dr. Boston, the woman who is mentoring me on a research project is going to call me this afternoon. I'm so nervous, I have no idea what to say/talk about. Eeee

By all means, drama with bad taste

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 02:59:10 GMT

I'm probably going to be replaying the original Valkyrie Profile again. Maybe a couple times. I want to get the C ending and from what I understand, that's not too difficult or long. Not that Valkyrie Profile 2 hasn't held my interest -- my new game is caught up to my old one, but this is where the game gets a little stale and its hard to keep playing if it seems like all you'll be doing is looking for an object at Dungeon X, its not there, so try Dungeon Y, maybe stop at a town, then try Dungeon Z. I know it gets better, but I probably need a break from it.

Lexie spent the night last night and we had fun. Luckily, I was able to meet my Grandma in town and she could take Lex back home, so I didn't have to drive all that way. Its strange that I used to go from the Falls to Green Bay nearly every day for work/school for months at a time, and now that I'm in Green Bay and need to make the trip far less often, it seems like the drive is so much longer and more tedious.

Schedule of classes for spring semester comes out tomorrow, and I'm excited for that. Something about my obsession for planning and scheduling things, I guess. And the fact that I'm really not anticipating getting into that internship.

One other bit of exciting news that I got yesterday: My mom and Sean are getting their new bed on Friday, which means I get their old Queen-sized bed. I have slept in a twin bed or a couch all of my life, and I FEEL LIKE A GROWNUP NOW OR SOMETHING. It took a lot of pleading to get it from here, and I even offered to pay. But for awhile they were just going to keep it upstairs so Sean could sleep (since he works weird hours and needs quiet, although why he needs a queen to himself I couldn't tell you, I would've gave them my twin). And then they were just going to give it to Lexie. Upon hearing this, I got kind of irritated and I'm pretty sure I whined my way into getting it. "I'm 21 and live with my boyfriend with a twin bed, what the hell does Lexie need a Queen for?" But anyway, its mine, and I'm excited.

Time to try sleeping again~

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 02:14:46 GMT

Application stuff is in, so that's one big weight off my shoulders. Of course, there's that lingering feeling of "I wonder if I'll get in?" I'm feeling pretty pessimistic about it, which is probably in my favor. Not the best attitude for others around me to experience, but at least I'll either be right or pleasantly surprised.

Math placement test on Friday. Not looking forward to it. I hope I have one of my "good days", and blow the test out of the water. Refreshed a bit today, but I still need more work.

My grandma, mom, Kim, and I are going to a hibachi restaurant tomorrow night, which is exciting. We were supposed to go gambling as well, but I think we're going to skip it. Watching the chef is entertainment in itself. And Lex is coming over this weekend.

I am updating for the sake of updating, with nothing new to mention.

I want LoZ: Phantom Hourglass, but I'm not sure if its worth getting. I don't know anyone who bought/played it yet. If you have, let me know how it is!

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 20:03:40 GMT

Application package is signed, sealed, and delivered. Only thing to do now is wait.